It all started with a Clarke CP3550K Frame Mounted Petrol Generator 3.4kVA, a superbly efficient, petrol powered source of portable electrical energy - ideal for virtually anyone who's working or enjoying leisure activities.

Each day I’d walk past it as it sat alluringly in Machine Mart’s shop window.

It drew me in.

On entering Machine Mart I felt all the hairs on my body stand on end, my stomach felt queasy and I experienced an overwhelming sense of joy, love and excitement.

I looked around and saw that every space was filled with magical tools and machines of every description.

To the left I spied cordless drills and impact wrenches, in front of me was a selection of power saws, to my right I spied spot welders and plasma cutters, my body tingled and I realised I was slightly aroused, luckily I was wearing my Primark elasticated Cotton Cargo Joggers, they’re designed for comfort you see so work well in these types of situations, no drama.

I automatically got drawn to the power tools.

These things were just raw power in the palm of your hand, I salivated a little. I wanted to handle them but they were too far up on a rack, anyway I don’t think you’re allowed to and I was too shy to ask.

A Clarke Contractor CON1500RDV 1500W SDS+ Rotary Hammer Drill kept staring at me, this professional rotary hammer drill from Clarke has the necessary power and large chuck capacity to tackle tough drilling and chiselling jobs.

I just wish I had some tough drilling and chiselling jobs back at home.

But I didn’t.

I smiled back at it and thought next time, it reciprocated.

I looked over to the counter, the store assistant smiled and gave me a nod. He knew of course, that’s why he works there.

He left me alone to move through the aisles as I delicately touched the tools and PPE kit sat on the shelves. Electricity was zooming round my body.

I came across the pressure washers, I nearly fainted.

Stood right in front of me was a Clarke KING 200 Professional Hot Pressure Washer, a great mobile semi-professional high pressure hot washer for really effective cleaning of vehicles, caravans, bikes, patios, etc.

At that moment I wish I had a patio or even a caravan.

But I didn’t.

I stood there day dreaming of holding it’s 1270mm assembled gun and lance as it rapidly shot out a 90° hot jet of water at 150 bars of pressure. It would dissolve the dirt and grime off my pretend caravan and patio in an instance I thought. I felt in that one moment pure ecstasy.

I was disturbed by another Machine Mart lover walking into the shop. We eyed each other suspiciously, I slowly moved away towards the power generators, I still felt her eyes on me, it felt like competition.

I stood next to a Loncin LC3500i Electric Start 230V 3kW Inverter Generator which is designed for low noise applications, such as camping and caravanning.

I camp and kayak I thought, clearly I need one of these.

I touched it’s hard matt black casing and reviewed it’s technical specification; 3kW (230V) of continuous power.

Who doesn’t need that I mulled.

I felt a presence near me.

My competition had moved into the same space as me, hands off I thought, wait your turn my inner voice grumbled, go over to the gas fired heaters I wished.

I felt crowded, how can you be intimate with a generator when there’s someone looking over your shoulder?

I sighed and stroked the generator one last time, it was time to leave.

I was just about to reach the door when I heard:

“Don’t forget your catalogue”

The store assistant had followed me out.

Clearly he knew what had gone on, he stood there with a Machine Mart catalogue, he smiled, it was that knowing smile. I thanked him and clutched the catalogue to my chest as I walked outside into the world.

I’ll be back I whispered.

“I know”, I thought I heard him say.

I walked off feeling a bit lost but the catalogue in my hand gave me a sense of comfort.

I gently squeezed the catalogue, it was going to be an early night for me.