The Psychology of a Contrarian

Most of us know one.

Have you ever had a conversation with someone who always says the complete opposite, regardless of what they actually think? I bet you have. These are the people who will say red when you say yellow, just to contradict you.

There’s an ongoing debate between sociologists and psychologists about contrarians. Some sociologists view them as deviants, while psychologists might see them as independent thinkers with a healthy level of dissent. But let’s focus on the kind of contrarians who aim to control the conversation — those who make it impossible to ever agree with them.

These contrarians aren’t just being difficult; they need to feel superior. It’s not just about disagreeing, it’s about dominating the dialogue and ensuring the conversation stays within their control.

So, what can you do when faced with a contrarian? Here are some tips inspired by Dr. Rhoberta Shaler, author of How To Spot A Hijackal:

1. Ask Their Opinion First

Before giving your view, ask theirs. This can create a small point of agreement early on, increasing the chances of finding common ground later.

2. Say “Tell Me More”

When they inevitably contradict you, simply respond with, "Tell me more." This allows you to understand what’s driving them and defuses the power dynamic. Remember, you can't learn if you're the one doing all the talking!

3. Ask a Process Question

If they’re just out to one-up you, step outside the conversation with a process question, like, “Do you think it’s valuable for us to continue this conversation?” This disrupts the cycle and can lead to a more collaborative discussion.

4. Get Them Involved

If they want to keep going, follow up with, “How do you think we can proceed to find a collaborative solution?” By asking a process question, you make them take some responsibility for the direction of the conversation. In a work setting, this helps shift the focus back towards productivity, creativity, or problem-solving.

5. State the Obvious

If they keep flipping their stance, call them out (diplomatically). Try saying, “When I say white, you say black. When I move toward your opinion, you change it. What do you suggest we do to solve this issue or finish this report?” This refocuses the conversation on the outcome, removing any power struggles.

6. Stick to Facts

Whatever you do, stick to the facts. Don’t let feelings, assumptions, or guesses take over. Keep things grounded in reality to prevent them from steering the conversation into chaos.

And if all else fails? You can always take a step back, set some boundaries, and politely distance yourself from unnecessary conflict — both online and in person. Sometimes, it's best to prioritise your own peace of mind and move forward.